Day 2

Today it's raining, so I'm writing this from the comfort and solace of my bedroom.

This morning I had a piano lesson, a singing lesson, and a lesson on French grammar. In twenty minutes I have a lesson on communication, followed by Philosophy (I think it's Existentialism today, I'm simply giddy with anticipation!)

This is my morning break. I'm allowed twenty minutes to do as I please, so long as I don't leave the castle grounds. I thought I'd use the time productively to write about something very interesting that happened last night. And since it's just you, diary, I feel I can be very open and personal.

So here goes.

Ever since I turned eighteen, I have spent a great deal of my evenings at social functions, where I mix with people of high social standing. It is not a secret to many people that the purpose of these functions is primarily to find me a suitable candidate for a husband. I have met many distinguished gentlemen, noblemen and even princes, but very few have taken my fancy.

Last night I was introduced to a certain 'Sir Baddenhein' from Germany. The man was in his late twenties, had a massive gap between his front teeth, wore a waistcoat with a pocket-watch, and had the annoying habit of rubbing his hands together whilst he spoke.

It seems that many people, including Aunt Marjorie Armiennes, had cherished the hope that he might have been the one to steal my heart. It appears that he fits all the unspoken criteria; i.e. he is the son of one of the richest men in Germany, he can speak eleven languages, and he likes to play croquet. I wish him no harm, but when I first saw him I found it insanely difficult to keep from laughing outright. His facial characterisitics and even his mannerisms remind me of a shrewd little weasel. When he asked me to take a walk with him through the gardens, I politely excused myself, saying that I felt the need to retire early to bed. And indeed I did feel the need. It was such a laughable occasion.

My whole life could be laughable, if I was able to look at it from a different perspective. But unfortunately its inconveniences, its monotony and its lack of true happiness prevents me from having a flamboyant attitude towards it. I see only a very grey, dreary life, made up of a strict routine, a busy (but deadly boring) social life, and a desire to get away from it all which grows stronger and stronger every day. As this desire grows stronger, so does my discontent, my unhappiness and my restlessness.

Everything would be so much simpler, if I could only want to settle for the life everyone expects me to lead. A life of glamour, of expensive parties, expensive company, expensive dresses, expensive cars, and then an expensive husband followed by expensive children, and maybe an expensive greyhound or two...

But I use 'expensive' in a sense which is quite unfinancial. This stlye of life, and I am quite, quite certain about this, would cost me, and does cost me, more than I could every explain. It costs me my time and my focus and my hopes and even my deepest desires and ambitions. And it costs me me. It is a life with a price that I just can't afford to pay any more.

Don't get me wrong. There are aspects of this life which do and would appeal to me. I would like to settle down at some time, have a couple of children, and maybe even a few greyhounds. But I want something more. I have an aching longing inside me which I feel can only ever be satisfied by a complete renouncing of the kind of life I've been brought up to lead, and a turning to the kind of life which my heart craves for. A nice, ordinary life, surrounded by nice, ordinary people, in a nice, ordinary place.

And what would make my dream complete would be knowing that my father had time for me and was willing to love me again (if he ever did in the first place). I would like to meet him very much. Very, very much.

I suppose I could label the ache inside me. I think I'm crying out for my father's love.

I wish I didn't have unrealistic expectations, but I can't help it. I've always hoped for much more than life could really give me, and as a consequence I've suffered many disappointments.

Still, it's more fun to have an unfulfilled dream than to have no dreams at all.

That's what I think, anyway.